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redcoats / release

by NTVTY

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1.
The rider racing towards us One by land, two by sea Never thought of what the outcome would be Never thought this could happen to me The redcoats take our fortress We wash our weapons in the sea Never thought of what the outcome could be Never thought that you would die next to me Our weapons We don't need them anymore We will beat out ploughshares From all our useless swords • • • Woke up Thought I heard your name Was December, rain still fell Went out Down the interstate Thought I'd see your face as well Called out But it was too late You should have seen how my face fell Went out In the drizzling rain And I whispered to myself Maybe someday I Will call your name We'll eat the dinners that we planned But never ate I'll finally see you there Outside of the shadow of Our father's shared last name Maybe someday I Won't miss my train All the dinners that you made But I never came We'll eat from larger plates Outside of the shadows that Our fathers cast on us O death: where is your sting? This is no defeat O death: where is your sting? This is a release O death: where's your sting? I am not at peace O death: where's your sting? I admit defeat.
2.

about

When I was in eighth grade, I met my first cousin Eric for the first time. All I knew about him was that he was legally blind, and that he was gay. My family was quite religious, so that last part was obviously a bit of an issue for them, and things were tense between him and my family.

The next time I saw him, I was a senior in college. Our grandmother had passed away, and we spent several hours at the memorial getting to know one another for the first time. I mourned the distance between us, and looked forward to the next year, when I would move to Chicago, where he lived. Unfortunately, I let myself get busy while I was living there, so we were never able to visit each other.

I wouldn't see him again until years later, my wife and I had Tapas with him and his husband of over a decade (who I had never met before then). An hour or so into the dinner, we canceled our plans to see a movie so we could stay and enjoy their company even further. Once again, I mourned the distance between us.

In December of 2015, Eric was battling an aggressive brain cancer. My sisters, cousins, and I made plans to visit him the following weekend. Unfortunately, he passed days before we could make the trip. At the funeral, I hugged his husband close and listened to story after story from the family he made for himself after our family had pushed him out, and mourned how often we let our ideas of what's right or wrong destroy the relationships with those close to us.

This track is comprised of two songs about his memory—the second much less ambiguous than the first. May it serve as a reminder to hold close to the ones you love.

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released April 16, 2020

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NTVTY South Bend, Indiana

South Bend Post folk from SPACESHIPS' Nathaniel FitzGerald. Hushed, ambient music for thinking about dying.

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