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Quietly

by NTVTY

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1.
Moth & Rust 06:08
If my house burns down And if moth and rust destroy If that thief breaks in and steals And if I lose all that I hold dear Will I cry Or will I not feel a thing? Because my house burned down And that moth and rust destroyed And that thief broke in and stole And when I die, I will die alone But I won’t cry No, I won’t feel a thing
2.
Quietly 1 04:16
When I die, will I go quietly? Will I close my eyes and fall asleep? Or will I rage, rage against the dying? When I die, will I go quietly? Will those arms around my neck put me to sleep? Or will I rage, rage against the dying? When I die, will I go quietly? When I see those tall white ships coming for me? Or will I rage, rage against the dying?
3.
Free 05:36
I found that map that I marked up To see everything But I never left the shore So when I die and they bury me Will I fill the same ground I took up when I was born? No, I am free To be where I want to be And I just want to be here I twirl my thumbs and I pace the floor Cause I can’t wait like I used to wait for you So in ten minutes if they’re not through the door Then I’m moving on Like I moved on from you And now I am free With someone who loves me Like you never could be And that’s fine with me Now I am free To be who I want to be And I just want to be me Finally I found that map that I marked up To see everything But I never left the shore So when I die and they bury me Will I fill the same ground I took up when I was born? Or will I be In a place prepared for me Like they said I would be
4.
Holy 05:58
Holy holy is the Lamb was slain Put in the grave Was raised again Holy holy, I will sing that day When You call my name And I see your face My soul longs My soul longs But it can wait Hallelujah to the Lord of grace You see all my days And love me the same Hallelujah, I will change my ways But there are days You’d swear nothing’s changed
5.
Copernicus 03:10
The sun won’t rise tomorrow The earth will turn and then Its light will creep over the rim Just like it’s been Just lite it’s done A thousand days before So don’t you be afraid At least not any more afraid Than living on demands Cause it demands Yes life demands The sum of all our fears If the world should end tomorrow Just take peace in knowing that We did the best we could Cause all our coulds And woulds and shoulds Go with us when we die So I won’t be afraid At least not anymore afraid Than the unknown demands Because who knows (I mean REALLY knows) What happens when we die? And if I should die tomorrow Just take peace in knowing that I did the best I could
6.
Strangers 1 02:39
No one is afraid to die They’re afraid that Heaven won’t be like They had planned No one is afraid of death They’re afraid that the people they expect To be there won’t be there Everyone’s afraid of life Afraid of everlasting life Next to strangers Everlasting life Everlasting, eternally alive Next to strangers
7.
Mansions 03:09
They say that when we die there’s a place prepared for me A mansion on a hillside on a golden street But will it take the place of all I’ve lost Or will I not even be able to remember it? They say that when we die our bodies decompose My flesh becomes the food for every flower that grows But if a flower I feed should break the ground Will there be a part of me there that the world would recognize? They say that when we die there’s no husbands or wives We’ll all be as one there in the after life But if your new eyes should catch a glimpse of mine Will there be a part of you inside that I could recognize?
8.
Quietly 2 04:47
The earth turns round, it’s a new day As the sun breaks through the trees The light creeps in through my window And though my eyes close, still I can see The blood flow through my face The blood flow through my face As it carries all the oxygen To every starving place The earth turns round, it’s a new day As I’m torn out of a dream All the lifelong friends I’ve had there Turn to smoke or burst in steam No, I’m not waking up I’m not waking up I’m not waking up No, not quietly Oh Lord my God, if I Should wake to find I’ve died Will I feel torn out of This world like it’s a dream My whole life turn to steam And vaporize into heaven’s air?
9.
Strangers 02:47
I am not afraid to die I'm afraid that Heaven won’t be like I had planned I am not afraid of death I'm afraid that the people I expect To be there might not be there I’m afraid of life Afraid of everlasting life Next to strangers Everlasting life Everlasting, eternally alive Next to strangers Who are all these strangers? So terrified of strangers
10.
instrumental

about

Christmas Day 2013, there was a knock on the door. Two men asked if our housemate was at home. When I said he wasn’t, they forced their way into the house. One of them put me in a sleeper hold while the other ran into the housemate’s bedroom looking for a bag of cash he had been saving for his wedding. As I struggled on the floor of my living room, arms locked around my throat, I became fully convinced that I was going to die, and I was struck by how ordinary the experience felt. There was no tunnel of light. There was no highlight reel of my life playing. There was just me, on the floor of my living room, a stranger cutting off the air to my brain.

Then, suddenly, he let go. The dark ring around my vision began to subside. I came to in time to notice the sound of the invaders’ feet rushing out of the front door (and into the freshly fallen snow, which laid some conveniently easy-to-follow footprints). Shortly after, my wife came up from the basement on the phone with the police. The coming hours were spent making statements and IDing suspects, but it was all a blur smeared across the inescapable thought that one second, I was dying. The next, I was not.

Around the same time, SPACESHIPS was on a bit of a hiatus: Ben was busy planning his wedding, Wes was working seventy hours a week. I was left alone with a massive perspective-shifting event, an acoustic guitar. In a few short months, an album formed out of the ether. For the last six years, the album has existed in the abstract. I had performed it in whole several times, but recording faced a number of obstacles: mostly in the form of other musical projects that took priority, and the theft of my laptop when it was half finished (luckily, Moth & Rust was already backed up).

With the pandemic putting a pause on most of my other projects, I figured it was finally time to put this record to tape. So here it is. I hope you like it.

credits

released March 5, 2021

All songs written, performed, and recorded by Nathaniel FitzGerald
Additional drum mixing on Moth & Rust by Adam Raschka
The title “Copernicus” is credited to Chris Kang, who misunderstood a joke I made while introducing this song

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NTVTY South Bend, Indiana

South Bend Post folk from SPACESHIPS' Nathaniel FitzGerald. Hushed, ambient music for thinking about dying.

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